My son is precocious. He is a wise soul. He is mature. And he is very, very emotional. Since the moment he could proactively engage with the world, he interacted in a way that made people make note of these qualities. He has always been at ease talking to adults, and he has a knack for piecing together emotional pieces of puzzles that seem to stump the best of us adults. So I should have guessed that my early conversations with him on sex would be a bit more complex – less about the bird and the bees and more about this thing called honey.

I’d been debating with myself whether I had to explain the physical act of making babies – as my kids have shown some curiosity about how the egg in the momma’s tummy becomes a baby, but stopped short of asking the question. My strategy is to be honest and keep it simple, so I was reminding myself to just do the same as I explained the physical act of baby making. My hesitation was that they would look at their body parts differently once they learned, as something more than just a penis and just a vagina. I was sad there would be a loss of innocence somehow with this information. But these are my own projections, I reminded myself, not their issues, not their thoughts. To them they would just be body parts that had one more useful function, that’s it. So I wrapped my mind around this little, simple conversation of baby making. And I waited for the question to be posed. And waited. And waited (with relief!). And waited some more and I was 100% prepared for any question that came my way about this physical act. Finally, Kai kicked the conversation off and hijacked it into a totally different direction. Please note the quotes in the below conversation are about as accurate as my shabby memory ever gets these days — this conversation stayed with me! However, I am changing the names of some informants.

“Mommy, you lied to me about 50 Shades of Grey.”

“What Kai? How did I lie?”

“You told me the movie was about two people that like each other a lot. And it is not.”

“Well, buddy, it is about two people that like each other a lot. Why do you think it is not?”

“My friends say it is about two people that have a lot of s-e-x.”

“Well, buddy, why are you spelling out that word?”

“Because it is a bad word.”

“Well it is not a bad word. You can say sex. Do you know what sex is? What it means?”

“I know it is how you make babies. But, I’m, like, confused about why they say it is a bad word and whether there are songs about sex.”
WHAT?? He could have said he knows it is how you make babies but HOW exactly does that happen. Isn’t that what the question was supposed to be? But no. He said HIS confusion is about why some people say it is a bad word and whether songs are written about sex. What the hell? I am not prepared for these questions. Keep it honest, keep it simple.

“Well buddy, it is not a bad word. But sometimes kids want to talk about sex before they understand it and talk about it at inappropriate times. Or maybe some adults just don’t want kids to talk about something that is more adult to talk about, so they mean it is off-limits. Not that it is bad, exactly.” Wait, wasn’t my goal to be simple? What did I just say? “And as for songs, well, yes, there are lots of songs about it but we don’t really listen to them.” Nevermind that we listen to them all the time. Have you listened to any Bruno Mars song? The kids sang Jason Darulo’s Talk Dirty to Me for a few weeks much to the dismay of me and their dad. And my god, even Megan Trainor, sweet little Megan Trainor, makes suggestions about oral sex in the very song that five kids danced to at their talent show! I just lied.

“Do you have to understand sex because you do it with someone that you love?” WHAT? Yes, this was his question.

“Why do you ask that question?” Stall tactic to figure out how to answer. Because yes, sometimes it is with someone you love. Sometimes it is not. If he or his sisters ever have sex with someone that they don’t love, will they remember what I said when they were 6 and 7 and feel guilty? I don’t want them to feel guilty over that. Do I even have to worry about his sisters since only Kai is in the car with me? Yes, because they will ask the same questions, or he will share with them one day, and if I ever change my answer they will all three call me out on it. Kai will remind everyone what I said when he was 7, and we were driving home from dance class in my Prius and I had a blue work dress on and he had his Thunder basketball jersey on and he asked me specifically whether we have to understand sex because we do it with someone we love.

“Well, you said that 50 Shades of Grey is about two people that like each other a lot. Like a lot a lot. So, like, I think if you like each other a lot a lot you must love each other and then maybe that is why the two people in the movie also have a lot of sex, like my friends said.”

“Hhmm. That is really good reasoning skills you are using and you are thinking so wisely.” I’m still figuring out my answer.

“So am I right?”

“Yes, buddy. You have to understand sex because people feel a lot of different emotions with it. Like love, and even like, and some feelings that are like having a crush. It makes you feel different things for the other person and for yourself, so you really have to understand it.” I am either the most brilliant parent or a total failure. “You have to understand sex and you have to understand how you feel about the other person and how they feel about you, buddy. Does that make sense?”

“Um, like, yeah. It does. Is it kind of like kissing?” FINALLY. A question that gets back to the simple things.

“Yes, it is sort of like kissing, but with your whole bodies.” That, I am sure, is a genius answer.

“Oh. Hhmm. But I mean, is it like kissing where you have to understand how you feel about the person you are kissing. Like if I wanted to kiss my girlfriend, I have to understand if I like her or love her or am just crushing on her.” F*&%. What happened to the simple questions about how are babies made? How does my penis play a part in sex? And, “just crushing on her”? Where did that phrase come from? Isn’t he just a baby? That sounds like a teenager. What is happening to this conversation and my baby who is suddenly 17 years old.

“Yes, buddy, it is like that. And you want her to understand how you feel about her. So if you are too embarrassed to say that you like her, or to talk to her about how you feel, then you probably aren’t ready to kiss her.” Can we keep this just about kissing? That is pretty hard itself. Do adults even understand what I am saying, what the rules of kissing are? Are there rules and do I even know them? Do I even feel comfortable talking about how I feel with the person I want to kiss at any given time? This is impossible. He is going to need therapy. He is going to get teased. Or, he is going to be amazing.

“How old were you when you had sex the first time?” WHAT?????? Where did this come from? Can I plead the 5th? Do I have to answer this question. What if I don’t answer it? What is worse? Can I lie? Do I need to lie?

“I was 19.” Only a lie by one week. But 19 sounds better than 18 when you are answering this question to your 7 year old. And I will not add any additional commentary that confuses it further. I won’t say that if I had the chance to do it over, I would choose to do it younger, with someone who cared about me more. That the circumstance might matter more than the age, at least as long as he is like 25 when the right circumstance arises. I won’t say that.

“When you were 19 did you have sex with Daddy?” How do I end this without making him feel bad about his questions?

“No, buddy. I didn’t know Daddy then.”

“Oh.”

“Are you hungry?” Fair question, right? He had a full day of school, then dance, and piano, and we are headed home and we should talk about dinner.

“A little bit. Um, did you and Daddy just have sex twice?” To get pregnant once with Kai, once with the girls. Did he really say “just twice” or did he say “twice”. Can I lie?

“Well, buddy, we had sex much more than twice.” WHY DID I JUST SAY “MUCH.” WHY?? I was just thinking we were together for so long. For 16 years! That is a long time. I didn’t mean to say much. Will he notice that? Will he focus in on this word. Will it lead to more questions. I touch at my Karma necklace and make a wish for some kind of good karma.

“Why do people have sex more than to make babies? Because it feels good?”

“Yes…..But you have to understand it and how you feel, and how the other person feels, to make it feel good.” Partial truth? Total truth? Truth depending on perspective? Confusing? Clear? If my goal was simple and honest, I think I am failing. But I am trying.

“So like, if I don’t understand it when I’m like 13, then I’ll just wait like 10 years before I do anything and then maybe when I am 23 I’ll understand it.”

“Buddy, I think that would be good. That would be a wise choice. You probably won’t understand things when you are 13. You can figure out a lot in 10 years, and good to always be thoughtful like you are being.”

“Mommy, when you do sex with someone, can you still like other people? Or can you only like that one person?” I HAVE TO RAISE THE WHITE FLAG.

“That’s a really good question, Kai.” We are listening to 102.7 and a Taylor Swift song comes on, and I know he isn’t a fan. “I’m gonna change the station to 97.1 or do you want Pandora?”

“Is it complicated?”

“Yes, buddy, it kind of is.” It really is. Even when it seems simple, it is complicated. Is there some kernel of wisdom I can give you that applies in all situations, all circumstances? Can I unlock some code that will make things always simple and clear for you? Can I find a way to explain all the emotions as simply as I could explain the physical act, if I needed to? Can I even explain the physical act simply? Can I give you a roadmap that helps you avoid guilt and take the scenic road as you figure this out in life? Be adventurous and brave and forgiving and good hearted. Not just in respect to sex but with respect to everything. I know I cannot, but I want to. How can I make you aware and thoughtful, but not self conscious? Am I answering these questions the right way, to convey that it is complicated and simple all together, all at once, all beautifully so? How can I explain that if you are thoughtful and understanding, it can be simple and that can be fun. But sometimes the beauty is in the complicated and you should open yourself up to that? Can I plant the right seeds in your mind, but keep you from thinking of this all for years. Many years. Many, many, many years. Can you just really love me for now? Can you just tell me every night that you Love Me To The Exponent of Infinity, without really understanding what an exponent is but just knowing that you want to say LOVE as strong as you can and you want me to say it back. Can we just hang here, in 2015, for a while longer? Forever? Can I keep you 7 years old, and your sisters 6 year old, for now?

“But sex isn’t a bad word, then? It’s just complicated?”

“Sweetie, it isn’t a bad word. Not at all. And if you have questions about it, you can ask me. Or you can ask Daddy. You can always ask questions.”

“Is the F word a bad word?” This is a simple question, right? And just coincidence that is the word that he chose to ask about right at this second, right? RIGHT? He has no clue the connection. Jesus.

“It is also a word that you don’t need to use and can sound mean a lot of times.”

“Is the sh word a bad word?”

“It is a word you don’t need to use and it can sound mean.” Whew. He is just going through his lists of bad words. Thank the universe. I keep touching my karma necklace.

“But, buddy, you don’t use these words and with all this stuff, we can talk about it if you have questions, but you don’t have to worry too much about it right now. You really don’t have to worry about it all for a long while.”

“Because I am like, only 7, right? And, yeah, I don’t really say bad words. And I just like [a whole list of girls…..] but I don’t even want to kiss them. I am just crushing on them. And I am too embarrassed to even tell them that I like them. Except I will write them notes, I am okay with that. I can tell them I like them in a note. So like, I’ll just practice my dance for the recital. I wish Gil was here to help me. And I sort of want to play basketball at Standford or at UCLA. After we win Super Bowl on Sunday. And I play at the Wiltern for Rockstar. I hope I can make it after Super Bowl. I hope we win. Gemma is going to like watching Rigby play football. She likes him but they never talk. What are my sisters going to do while I play basketball? Do you think Sasha will play basketball? She likes to shoot hoops with Daddy when he helps her. I think she will play. Hey, remember when you taught me about the 1-3-5 and 2-4-6 holes in football? Coach Shawn said you were right. Can I show you my new route? You are a good receiver, but you sometimes don’t run fast enough for my eye. Can you please wear your running shoes next time we practice and TRY to run fast. And I need new basketball shoes before basketball starts. I have to play on the big court. Who do you think my coach will be? I hope I’m never late to practice. I’m like you, Mommy, I don’t like being late. I think my coaches like me because we are never late. I think I can be a great defender again this year and maybe score even more points. Hey, can we listen to One Direction on Pandora? Hey, did you know I am at reading level S at school?” And so it ends, and there is my 7 year old back, at least for now….